I know I'm no pro, but here are my observations of 2.5 years experience.
Well news flash. Marriage is HARD. Freakin' hard. But worth it. Very very worth it.
When in the engaged and newlywed stages of life, you never in a million years would imagine it possible to feel so extremely frustrated with your spouse. You wouldn't think it possible to be so sad when married to your one and only true love.
Well again I tell you, marriage is hard. And again I tell you, worth it. Marriage is well worth every tear, frustration, misunderstanding, rude thing said, rude thing taken back, and forgiven.
One of the biggest things I have learned being married is that IT WILL BE OK. Sometimes in the heat of an argument it seems like all is wrong in the world and things will be hard to mend. Then an hour later you're hugging each other, in love all over again, and reminded that you're always there for each other.
In marriage, one moment your spouse will be your biggest frustration, and the next moment your biggest support and comfort. It's a beautiful thing.
You have to somehow make all of your life habits, hobbies, desires, likes, interests, theories, beliefs, strategies, and biggest of all, your changes, work together.
Derek is a pretty different person from who I married two years ago. Then again, so am I. We have both changed. So much. And thank goodness for that. I would hope that we continue to change. And we make our changes work out and blend for the better.
It is the most beautiful thing to me that someone can see your worst side in everything and continue to love you more than anyone in the world. Cherish you more than anything in the world.
Marriage is beautiful. It's perfect in it's imperfections.
IF.....
You both work harder than you've ever worked at something. If you both support each other's weaknesses and love through low and lazy times. I've never had to ask for forgiveness or forgive more in my life.
I was watching Ellen the other day and Pink was her guest. Ellen asked if she was happily married. Pink responded with, "I'm married. And I'm happy a lot of the time." I don't want to say too much about this other than I LOVED it.
I feel that the world (specifically the mormon world) is given this misconception of how easy and happy life is after marriage. That life is just blissful and happy as long as you are married and have babies.
Life is awesome. But I'm here to be honest with you and tell you that life is blissful and happy, a lot of the time. But there will be hard times. Like really hard. There will be late nights of hurt and hard feelings. Late nights of tears and sadness, hopefully ending in hugs and love.
I believe in not going to bed until you've worked things out. A lot of people say go to sleep and work it out in the morning, but then the problem is that I can't sleep. Derek can sleep just fine, but I'll stay up all night sad and frustrated. And then there usually isn't time in the morning. And you have stinky breath so you can't kiss and snuggle at the end of it all quite as comfortably. :)
I don't believe that I love you's and thank you's and I appreciate you's can be said enough. We tell each other those things many times a day. It's a good reminder not just to the other person, but to yourself as well.
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| Run with it. As long as you're running together for the same things. Don't worry about what others think or have to say. We decided to move to NYC even though we had people telling us they didn't think we should. It's the best thing we could have done for our marriage. |
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| Laugh it off. It's likely that you'll do dumb and vulnerable things. Be able to laugh at each other and yourself. |
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| Continue to flirt. In public too. We're huge fans of PDA. To a certain extent of course. |
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| You'll learn to be able to communicate without saying a single word. We can have full conversations with nothing said sometimes. Utilize this. It's quite efficient. And a good way to stay connected around lots of people. |
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| Share hobbies and common interests. Find something to share. Such as music, running, a TV show, etc. |
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| Have a sense of humor. Be silly. |
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| Allow yourself to love and be loved deeper than ever before. |
The moral of the post is that marriage is real. Marriage is hard. Marriage is exhausting. Marriage is beautiful. Marriage is worth it.
Any other tips or advice?
xoxo,
Mandy
THANK YOU FOR THIS! I feel like everyone always tells me how great married life is but I just want to know the reality of it. Love that you can admit to having a perfectly imperfect marriage instead of putting on this blissful facade. So far, I've found being engaged to be quite hard actually. Probably just a combination of semi-long distance and having a really long engagement. At any rate, thanks for sharing this. You're stunning in your photos. :)
ReplyDeleteLong distance is SO hard. I hate it. There is so much drama it seems like that is unnecessary and that could be avoided if you were closer. We were long distance, and I'm so glad that's over. Being married will be a relief. Hard, but a relief. :) So great hearing from you! I sure miss you!
Deletei love that you are true to reality. thanks for sharing this. my husband and i (since being married) have noticed how everyone else's marriage seems to be so perfect around here (utah county area), and it's nice to know that we are normal, and this is just how relationships go. i love reading your blog!
ReplyDeleteGosh, I feel ya. I kept feeling like something was wrong with us and that we had serious marital issues. But I started to realize we were more normal than I thought. The feedback from this blog post was my biggest realization of all though. I'm so grateful for the comments I've received to make me really believe that everyone feels this way! So glad you read my blog. I quite adore yours as well. xoxo
Deleteoh my heck! thank you for this! just exactly what I've needed to hear. That we're normal, that its a work in progress. I've had so many friends here in Utah that always tell me that married life is perfect and so fun. I always feel like im doing something wrong. Not that we aren't happy because we are totally in love and so grateful to have found each other but we've had those days where its just plain hard! thanks for being real! :)
ReplyDeleteSo happy this helped. I wish someone would have told me years ago so I didn't think we had serious problems this whole time. I think recognizing it's normal helps so much. It inspires me to try harder and make it through the hard times. You guys are so cute btw. Congrats on your wedding! You were a stunning bride!
Deletep.s. although i do think being married is a lot easier than being engaged! ;)
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DeleteI love this!!! I've been kinda freaked out over marriage lately because everyone says it's bliss but so hard but no one really explains why it's so hard- anyway- thanks for being so honest! Calmed my fears quite a bit haha
ReplyDeleteSo glad this didn't scare you more! Haha. Marriage is not scary. :) I really am so glad this helped you to understand a bit and helped to calm your fears. JUST what I was hoping for!
DeleteWell said! Marriage is definitely hard but the best thing I've ever done. Something that helps is that, like you, we are committed completely. We don't use the 'd' word, even as a joke. I once read something the Pioneer Woman wrote. She said marriage is not 50/50. It's 100/100. Both of you have to put in 100% or it's not going to work. I loved that. Marriage doesn't suddenly make life wonderful and everything bad go away. It just changes some of the difficulties (you no longer worry about getting that cute boy to ask you on a date). It's nice though because sometimes you have someone to make it through the difficult times with and other times they're the one making things difficult but like you said, you always love each other and are able to work things out. I wouldn't trade my marriage and family for anything in the world, even when times are tough!
ReplyDeleteLove that. 100/100. It's so true. If you are giving 50/50, you are always trying to make things equal and fair which isn't healthy to a marriage. You are such a good wife and mom. I look up to you! Thanks so much for your feedback!
DeletePerfectly said! I had to giggle at the " A lot of people say go to sleep and work it out in the morning, but then the problem is that I can't sleep. Derek can sleep just fine, but I'll stay up all night sad and frustrated." part-- that is totally Landon & I.. he falls asleep and I'm up alllll night! Miss you girl! xo
ReplyDeleteHaha I love this. It made me so happy to hear this. Not that you feel that way too, just to know that I'm not just crazy. Ha! It sucks huh?! I miss you! xoxo
DeleteThanks for this post Amanda. I love your honesty! So many blogs are so fake and pretend that their lives are perfect. I'm glad that you aren't one of those blogs. You make everything so real and put things into perspective!
ReplyDeleteThanks Chloe! That means a lot. I try so hard to be honest, even though it's scary sometimes. I appreciate others honesty so much, and want to be able to give to others what I have gained from others honesty.
DeleteI love this, Mands! Everyone needs to read this!
ReplyDeleteThat's my girl! Love how you see things. One of my greatest marriage tricks (after 25 years!) that I have recently developed is to decide beforehand how big of a deal something is to ever even have to bring it up and 'work it out'. If I change the subject in my mind and think of something else, a lot of times, within an hour, I can't even remember what I was so bent on fixing! Wish I would have figured this one out 20 years ago!
ReplyDeleteLove that. Such good advice!
DeleteOooh I love this so much. So so much. You are so good. So so good.
ReplyDeleteWell you are so so nice. Seriously, that means a lot coming from an incredible writer!
DeleteManda. You are a beautiful writer. I seriously am so impressed by how you just put all of what I've felt (plus so much more) into words that I've never compiled. I love it because there seriously are so many pressures to just fit into the "perfect" mold of the "perfect" marriage. But nobody fits that and everybody has their struggles. Boy I know we do! Thanks for being so great and wonderful and real and respectable and beautiful (inside and out) and open to helping other people through your blog. Love you girl.
ReplyDeletePai, you're so sweet, as always. I am so grateful this post had an influence on people. I feel that the feedback I've received has helped me more than you will know. Your support is so great. Sure love you! xo.
DeleteBefore I was married my Dad used to say, "Just have a sense of humor and you will be fine." He was referring to the wedding night in particular, but I feel like it relates to the rest of it too. I also feel like there is a constant need to forgive. So many times we don't mean to hurt each other. We have to assume that our spouse didn't mean to be mean. Then things usually work out better. Hope your marriage continues to have it's beautiful ups and the difficult downs - 'cause that's how we grow together and become better!
ReplyDeleteLove it! And it's all so true. The wedding night, assuming we don't mean to hurt each other, etc. Love it all. You're wonderful!
DeleteLame. My mom is visiting and she was signed into her google account instead of me onto mine. So Nancy Hopkin is really Rachael....
ReplyDeleteI love that you talked about changing. I can't tell you how much I've changed after almost 3 years of being married. If I was the same person today as when we were first married, my hub would probably say "see ya!" It's so important to be aware of the weaknesses you bring to the table and find a way to improve. LOVE this post Amanda! You're awesome :)
ReplyDeleteSame story here. So grateful for change! Being willing to change is so difficult, but it makes things so much better! Thanks for the tip!! Love it!
DeleteI just stumbled upon your blog and I must say I love this post. It is so beautifully written and filled with so much truth and wisdom! I must admit I am bothered at the way people speak of marriage being easy and wonderful (especially mormons). My husband and I are mormon. Everyone told us how easy marriage would be. Nothing could have prepared me (or him probably) for the hardships that would come. Our first year together was such a challenge - I am embarrassed to admit how much we fought. In fact, we did marriage counseling for half of our first year together (is that sad or what?). How we ever made it out of our first year hand in hand and still in love I'm not quite sure; but what I do know is that we have grown and changed in so many ways and I feel like our relationship is unbreakable now. That is not to say we don't have trials or arguments anymore, because ha, we do. Believe me we do. We just know how to handle them so much better. We are a team and at the end of every day, regardless of how upset we might've been with the other that day, we are best friends. Thanks for being so real and honest. It's refreshing and makes me feel better because sometimes I feel like we are the only young married couple that don't live in perfect marital bliss.
ReplyDeleteThis comment makes me so happy. Don't ever be ashamed of going to counseling! I'd kill for counseling. It's just too expensive here in NY. But when we go back to UT (at least that's the plan as of now) we're making it a priority in our budget. I think EVERY couple should go to counseling! I hate that it's looked down on and people assume you are a dysfunctional couple or that you are on the verge of divorce, etc. I honestly believe you are a much more functional couple if you are both willing to go and work through things. Recognizing that you could use help is the first and most important step! How awesome of you guys! That's seriously so admirable. I'm so happy to hear that it helped! Makes me that much more excited to go and learn how we can communicate better! So glad to have discovered your blog now too! :)
Deletexoxo,
Mandy
i like this post.....so normal! i definitely think things calm down the longer you are married, but then the frustrations are that much worse when they come. so true that you never realize just how frustrated you can feel at someone you love so much. plus the changing so much since we met thing.....yes it is nice to hear someone write these things out loud.
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